


Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 161 (Part II)

by crazyoldhermit



Series: Obi-Wan Kenobi: Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit [16]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-28
Updated: 2016-03-28
Packaged: 2018-05-29 17:34:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6385768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyoldhermit/pseuds/crazyoldhermit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The satirical saga continues, as Tatooine's most famous hermit attempts to capture a rancor for Jabba the Hutt. Green pigs will be eaten and limbs will be lost!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 161 (Part II)

TATOOINE - Day 161 (Part II)

The rancor devoured the first Gamorrean guard. The other two squealed and made a break for it. Boba Fett tapped his gauntlet, firing its whipcord, and ensnared one of the guards around the waist. Boba dragged him back just in time to use him as a shield as the rancor came in for a second kill. 

"Quick, let's get the net!" Boba shouted. 

I leapt up, zigzagging between the two walls of the canyon until I reached its top. Boba, on the other hand, ignited his jet pack and promptly launched head first into the canyon wall, knocking himself out.

I retrieved the net from the back of landspeeder and using the Force I opened it up and suspended it over the canyon. Just as the rancor was finishing up the second Gamorrean I dropped the net, and followed it down. 

The net tripled its size as it was programmed to do, but as it landed over the rancor I quickly noticed the self-sealing edges were not engaging. As a result, the beast was able to move around freely. By his current course it was apparent that he had chosen the unconscious Boba as his next meal. 

With my screaming and the rancors thunderous approach, Boba woke from his self-inflicted slumber and got to his feet. Using the Force I slowed the giant down just long enough for Boba to fire his jet pack. Unfortunately, he was rocketed directly at the rancor. The mighty creature caught the boy's right leg in his mouth and snapped it completely off. Boba fell to the dirt, one leg lighter and bleeding like a stuck Gamorrean.

Propelling myself into the air I landed on the rancor's neck. The beast reeled back in an attempt to dislodge me, but I held fast to his thick hide.

Normally, I would get a kick out of an adventure such as this, but I could see that Boba was bleeding out from his severed leg. So with a little Force guidance I had the rancor continually bang his head against the canyon wall. Rocks rained down around us, and when I saw a decent sized boulder heading our way I guided it to the monster cranium before me. The rancor fell to the ground and wasn't waking up anytime soon. 

I hopped down and assessed Boba's situation. He was bleeding profusely and crying for his daddy. In order to save the boy's life I would have to cauterize the wound. 

"Sorry son, this might sting a bit." Before he could react I took my saber and sliced off another inch from his stub. The bleeding stopped. 

"Wha…?!" Boba screamed, flailing on the ground. "Why would you…? I hate you, Kenobi! I hate you!"

Wow! If I had a Galactic credit for every time an amputee screamed they hated me I wouldn't be living in a one room hut, I tell you that much. 

Boba went into shock and passed out. I used my saber to seal the rancor into the net and retrieved the landspeeder. Placing Boba into the passenger seat, I then tied a bit of the loose netting to the back of the speeder in order to pull the rancor. 

As we drove out from the confines of Beggar's Canyon we came across the remaining Gamorrean, still waddling and squealing away in a state of sheer terror. With a flick of my wrist I lifted the guard and flipped him onto the back of the speeder, then proceeded to drag the rancor across the Dune Sea. 

We were met outside of Jabba's Palace by an obese man with no shirt and a towel draped over his head. He pushed past us and headed straight for the rancor, and began stroking his head. As we entered the main gate I swear I could hear this bizarre man kissing the rancor and talking baby talk to him. 

Jabba wasn't going to be exactly thrilled that I was returning with only one-third of his guards and eighty-five percent of a bounty hunter, but the mostly uninjured adolescent male rancor more than made up for it. 

In the center of the throne room a grate had been placed over the hole in the floor, and standing on that grate was the chick with the tube lips and she was holding Luke! Finally, I was able to retrieve the universe's most precious gift. As Lips handed him over to me a group of armed guards filled the room and formed a wall in front of Jabba. 

"TOOTA WONGA POOTAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, JEDI."

TC-70 relayed the message, "The Exalted Leader Jabba the Hutt thanks you for the rancor and gladly returns to you the man-child. However, the Mighty Jabba has decided to keep the female for himself."

Beru began to cry. She was still wearing that bikini, and still looked amazing.

I secured Luke in my one arm and did a forward flip over the guards. Landing right beside Jabba, I extended my lit saber to just a few inches away from his multiple chins. 

"I don't think so," was all I had to say. Jabba and I agreed that Tatooine was a large enough planet that we could ignore one another. 

So I walked out of Jabba's Palace with my arm around Beru, and Luke held securely in her arms. Jabba being the fat bastard that he was made her return the metallic bikini. What a dick. 

I commandeered Boba's landspeeder and bid farewell to the wretched hive of scum and villainy that had caused me so much trouble. 

We drove off towards the twin setting suns, headed for home.


End file.
